alt_susan | Order Only: Private Message to Pansy

I know how you feel.

The thing that's hardest right now is mostly not knowing what to expect, and expecting the worst. Like the Pink Toad has come back to haunt us. And this past term was just so nice and normal, too.

And I don't think it's expected I'll be in the top third, which makes it a little easier -- I just have to do well enough to be respectable, but the others

I don't know what Ron and Hydra will decide to do. But Draco's going to try to be one of the seven. And knowing him, he'll get it. And I can't help but think what that'll be like.

Yeah. It feels like a kick in the teeth after last term.

It seems to me that figuring out how to fail just the right amount might be just as hard or harder than sincerely trying to win, in a way.

I see what you mean about MDraco. He could do it, if any of us could, but...yeah.

How are you doing with that? I mean, I know you two are still close & have a lot of history together, even though you're not seeing each other any more. It can't be easy on Harry either.

No, I imagine not. The look on Harry's face when he got his letter was one I hadn't seen for a while.

And

It's complicated. I care for him quite a bit. More than I think I'd realised, really. It's not like you can just turn that sort of feeling off entirely. But I know we're not getting back together again or anything, I'm not that foolish.

I miss the way things used to be, though.

And I'm worried about him, Sue. About what he'll have to go through.

No, I know all about not being able to turn feelings off right now.

And I feel like I might understand now, a little more than I would have done, what it must have cost you to keep things from him before he was in the Order.

And even though you weren't together, you've still had this together, lately.

At least Draco's more prepared than some--Ron, for instance.

Oh, Merlin. If I think about Ron too hard I'll get ulcers again. I just keep wondering about how this whole thing is going to change all of us once we leave school, because of what we'll have to do, and what we'll have to live with. And how Ron might have to change the most, which would break my heart.

It scares me too.

I still think about the Strangeweale execution a lot--I mean, I still think it was worth it, but I do understand what Madame Pomfrey meant.

We could become not too different from them if we're not careful.

Yes.

I think it's so very important that we keep that in mind. Otherwise we might wake up one day and not recognise what we've become.

But it's hard. Like the explosion that killed Mr. Weasley--I expect the people who planned it would have thought it worth it if it had really done for the Lord Protector.

But instead it only hurt an innocent person.

You're right.

And now we're working with the same people who hurt so many at the Quidditch World Cup. Which I don't like at all. I can see why we're doing it, and how it might even make it less likely they'll do something like that again, but still.

You're right, though, it was hard keeping things from Draco. You'd know, wouldn't you?

Only

Has something happened?

Aurelia and I broke it off last week, right before the end of hols.

And I feel like I shouldn't be thinking about that when there's so much else going on.

I still miss her, though.

Oh!

Oh, Sue!

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I remember when Draco broke it off with me, it felt like I'd never be able to love anyone ever again.

Because we've got so few people we can truly talk to, and trust, and share ourselves with.

Thanks.

I didn't tell anyone then, but we almost broke up right before she left school last year. We were snogging (and maybe doing a little more than snogging) when she noticed my ring. Because I kind of knocked into her with it.

I tried to tell her it was an heirloom from my dad's family but apparently her uncle had one and she threw an absolute wobbler because she was afraid I might off myself. And I had to absolutely lie my teeth off. And things got better again, but there was a tension--maybe a bit like how Greengrass was with Ron. She half-way knew but she didn't want to know.

I can see how she'd be like that after what happened to her uncle.

And it's very Slytherin to try one's best to ignore things that make one uncomfortable, or to know something, but keep from facing it head-on.

Yeah.

And she kept her Galleon--she can be really sentimental about things sometimes--so she saw some of what we've been doing with that last term, and that's what she said in her little break-up speech. That she couldn't stand to possibly lose someone close to her that way ever again--and it might be safer for me.

What's funny (in a gloomy sort of way) was that I'd been thinking of breaking up with her because of the same thing. And a little bit because she's moving ahead with her life and I'm still at school. Her parents have been at her to find someone to settle down with and she hasn't decided if she'll put them off or do the traditional pureblood thing and just be with girls on the side. And I couldn't go on being her secret for too much longer.

So maybe it's for the best.

That certainly doesn't make it any easier though.

And I know you liked her quite a bit, but you do deserve better than to be anyone's girl on the side.

Do you want to have a music-listening party? With chocolate? I need to take my mind off of things too, and I promise we'll only listen to the sappy stuff if we're in the sort of mood to laugh at it.

That sounds lovely!

Just for an afternoon we can pretend we're back in 3rd or 4th year and our problems won't seem as overwhelming.

Remember when when 'Hey Hey Merlin' got played on WWN? We were all so excited!

I haven't played that record in ages. We'll have to dust it off. I still can't believe we managed it.

And if it's just the two of us, we can pull out the really good stuff. I fell in love with a Queen album I think you'd like. I nearly wore out over hols. And I don't remember whether you've heard any Pink Floyd, but it really is brill.

No, I haven't! Are they Muggle?

My parents have some good books but their taste in Muggle music was dead boring--lots of some bloke called Cliff Richard who's absolutely blech.

They are, and they're dead nift. Like sing at the top of your lungs good.

That's settled, then. Let's go to the Secret Room, so we can blast it as loud as we want.

Done! I'll see if I can scrouge up a few things too, and meet you there!

Merlin bless that Secret Room.

We've worked up to it gradually enough, but I can see how it'd be downright overwhelming to leap straight into what we do, and what we're prepared to do.

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